THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Thank God for the War on Christmas. Apparently the American public had grown tired of the War in Iraq, and Fox News decided a new war might capture their attention. Like the War in Iraq, I confess that I do not fully understand the goal of Fox's War on Christmas. The gist seems to be that good red-blooded Americans celebrate Christmas and only Christmas this time of year. But the new-age, vegetarian liberals, with their "Happy Kwanzaa, Season’s Greetings, Happy New Year, Felice Navidad, and Happy Hanukkahs," want to include Jews, Blacks, and Mexicans (Fox News has not quite figured out what Felice Navidad means, but they suspect it to be a neo-leftist slogan celebrating illegal border crossings).

One wonders exactly why the expansion of the holiday season would cause such consternation. After all, there were not any Christians at the first celebration of Christ’s birth, just a few Jews and pagans (the wise men were Zoroastrians). I suppose it is the same as the gay marriage problem. If gay people marry then it will somehow ruin my heterosexual marriage. If store owners say Season’s Greetings instead of Merry Christmas, then Santa wont stop at my house.

My spiritual advisor, Jackson Beaman Floyd (lobbyist for big insurance companies), recently reminded me that it was the pagan emperor Constantine who established the Christmas holiday, deciding both the date and colors of the celebration. We English speaking folk probably have Prince Edward to blame for the Christmas tree, having brought them into England from his homeland in Germany in the 1800’s. Of course, the Christmas tree was a pagan symbol generally associated with Solstice celebrations. Same too goes with holly and mistletoe.

The point is that Christmas was already a fine blend of divergent cultures and religions: a veritable poster-child for the new-age, vegetarian liberal’s multi-culturalism. But in the end, perhaps we would be better off as a nation if we cut and run in Iraq and focused our efforts on this War on Christmas. Here perhaps Fox has found a war we can win.